Friday, August 29, 2008

Her first week at the gym...

Thanks, Gwen! (Warning: a few swear words towards the end.)
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

"Dear Diary,

"For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

"I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

"_____ MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

"Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

"_____ TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

"_____ WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

"Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

"My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too. _____

"THURSDAY : Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

"_____ FRIDAY : I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, little #@*.

"If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

"The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

"_____ SATURDAY : Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

"_____ SUNDAY : I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds."
To the gym, anyone?

New animation I just did to introduce the ER program startingSept 6, which, um, requires no exercise.

5 comments:

Jan said...

I love this - so totally true! Thanks for sharing and making me laugh today! Jan
P.S. and yes, I am signing up for ER and um - no exercize!

Angela Brooks said...

Kim,

THANK YOU for the laughter. I have laughed so hard I used to Kleenex
and tears running down my face. My son came to see what was wrong
with me and I could not explain through laughing so hard.

I am 42 and I am headed back to the gym. LOL... no need to say any more.

Anonymous said...

I have a 6 AM opening for next week. ;)

~Brad

Dean said...

Yes this is funny; hopefully it is not a true story. This is one reason people fail in their attempt of getting immediate results. This personal trainer seems to be making their living via their good looks rather than helping his client. Spreading the 5 sessions over 5 weeks along with creating a specific plan would have been better. Too many trainers just fill the time with crazy exercises without taking into consideration of current conditioning, future progress, and a maintenance plan once a person reaches their goals. If anyone needs help with fitness goals I’m available to help. Better Body Coach at Gmail. COM

Make it a great day,
Dean

Carol Raynor said...

Been there - Done that - and I didn't have a "Brad". I do remember the pain though. This post was so funny. The pain was not.